Riding the Avalanche

The first section of Susan Howatch's novel Ultimate Prizes is titled "Crisis." That is precisely what I found myself in last week and into this week. Because I chose to speak my mind, and the misinterpretation that followed, I discovered that I was in the middle of a professional avalanche. The triteness of my religious upbringing quickly crept out of the corners I've kept dark for far too many years.
I am a doubter. And that is the foundation for my faith. I perceive the worst and prepare for it. I tired of those all too familiar scriptures and catch phrases. "It's in God's hands," or "Trust in the Lord." Pastor Merril from John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany, says to the two boys, "...doubt was the essence of faith, and not faith's opposite." For the past two weeks I have lived in that world of doubt. A place where I was certain God might still remain quiet despite the pleas from me and all of those who supported me. The only comfort I had were the trite catch phrases of my youth. I could not control the ride. There were not snowmobiles or snowboards to help me down the mountain. I was left in the whimsical hands of a God who knows my inner thoughts--a frightening propostion.
But as the avalanche tumbled around me, I found myself tumbling along, trusting that in the end, air would be found. Now the avalanche is in the final stages, settling where it may, and I still have life. I've been tattered a bit, but for now I have breath. And of all the ironies, my life-string was a laundry list of catch phrases that are daily being proven true.
That doubt that I carry with me makes life tough sometimes. It seems so blissful when a person can just trust, simply believe without a hint of fear. But for me, when God delivers in the middle of my doubt, those moments are the truest moments of my life--those moments are key moments.

Weariness

This last week I walked through hell. On my professional blog I posted my thoughts regarding the attire worn by some students at my school's Junior Prom. Apparently I was not careful in my word choice, resulting in misinterpretation. The students found out, the parents were irate, the administration unhappy.
I slept very little, fretted exorbitantly, and now my body and mind are depleted. The entire situation has frustrated me because I let people down and what I inteded and what was perceived did not match up. I feel like I have walked not just into the valley of the shadow of death, but right smack into death himself.
Jesus says to find rest in him. I couldn't. Maybe it was my own stubborness, or maybe I was sure that when I actually did call out to him, he wouldn't show up. But by mid-week, that ancient and used Psalm trudged out of the dark corners of my heart, where it has hidden since Sunday School. The Lord is my shepherd--and how I need one.