The Cycle

My spiritual director Jon Darrow, from Susan Howatch's Church of England series, explains spiritual life like this:
"It's a cycle. You sin. You go down into hell. You repent. You face the pain. You acknowledge the way forward--and the way forward signifies forgiveness as well as the chance to begin a new life, by the grace of God, in faith and hope and in charity. Birth, death, resurrection...yes, it's all a cycle, isn't it, a timeless cycle far older than Christianity, but of course Chrisitanity is a divine manifestation of eternal truths."

So often we allow ourselves to halt the cycle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating blatant sin, but shouldn't we come to understand that what makes us uniquely human--and therefore different from God--is that we are capable of sin, that we do all too often give in. Then we start the cycle in motion. We dip down into hell, staying far too long. The pain of our sin chokes our breath and we wallow. I think, for me, it is easier to accept my hell, my pain, and steward that than it is to accept the way forward. Too much work sometimes, isn't it? All of that repenting, wondering if God even heard you.
But in the end, what gets me everytime is that grace of God. The undeserved, mostly unrequested grace. That is what sets us apart from God, the lack of grace on our part. Oh, we are good at the justice part, even at times the mercy part, but true honest grace, now that we struggle with. Because to offer grace demands a powerlessness that we fear. We must humble ourselves to such an extent that, in our charity, we give the other the power to do with that grace whatever fancy might strike. And that is painful.

Prayer

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along my journey, I stopped praying for my meals. Well, that isn't exactly true; I pray, just not out loud and with the rote: "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day, thank you for this food. Bless our time together and in the future. Amen." No, I shortened it to crossing myself. As I make the sign of the cross before I eat, my mind thinks all those things.
But yesterday, while eating out at Ruby's Diner, my wife asked me if we were going to pray for our food, like, hold hands and stuff like that when we have children. Were we going to teach them the importance of praying for one's food through active demonstration of that. I told her that I always thought it pharisetical (like the pharisees) to make an overt prayer circle while eating at a restaurant. I am not embarrassed to pray over my meals; but, I've always felt that prayer is a deeply personal event.
Well, as we continued our discussion I looked up at a family of 6, just like mine growing up, as they began to pray for their food. In a recent post, my brother Keith wrote about hearing voices. Perhaps that was a voice I heard yesterday. Either way, whether coincidental or part of a larger plan, the moment was holy, as I ate my fattening burger and fries.